2009 was a trying year, at least for me; the birth of my youngest daughter (after a gap of nearly 6 years) being one of the primary reasons. The demands on motherhood took me to a totally different paradigm - it was indeed trying and straining on me, mentally, emotionally & physically the most.
My eldest struggled with his school work without my coaching & encouragement. But the most affected, I think, is my second one. After 6 years of being the youngest, she was not ready to receive someone who, very obviously stole the limelight and attention from her. A bright & carefree student, never getting anything but 100% in all her subjects & the first in most competitions, the student with the most prizes during her last 3 years in the school, her marks suddenly dropped. Not only that, she started whimpering & complaining & becoming clingy to us, unlike her usual bold and independant self.
She once told that ever since the baby was born, her amma & appa doesn't love her anymore. I was slightly hurt and felt guilty hearing that. Have I not been giving each one of them enough attention? Have I been a bad mother? Or worse, have I totally neglected her?
I suppose all mothers do go thru this guilty pang when it comes to showing love & attention to their children. Sigh! It never seems to be enough.
The year also brought a lot of lessons, some painful and others enlightening. Some difficult to digest even now after months. No regrets, though, as I learnt never to judge a book by its cover, even how well you had read the book. Trust became a major issue for me. People do not seem to have respect for the word trust. Betrayal is more easily executed without any sense of fear, guilt or regret. Sometimes, I wonder whether I'm light years back trying to still uphold these virtues.
The one ray of happiness are my children. Oh!, How much joy I get just from seeing them, while sleeping, playing, eating their favorite food etc. Esp. the little one, she's such a joy! Always ever smiling, sweet one moment & cheeky the other. She seems to complete the whole family. Even as I write, I could hear her laughter, full of glee and youth! Everyone seems to just brighten up upon seeing her. Thank you, God for giving us this joy, we will always cherish this treasure.
2009 has changed me more than any of the other years. Though the year brought more heartaches than pleasant moments, I do no regret them for I believe I have become mature & strong by virtue of these trials & tribulations.
And I welcome 2010 with more zest and pray it beholds a better year with good health and lots of happiness for everyone.